Why am I so controlled by my emotions? Does it have to be this way? I tell myself the truths of God's Word and the gospel (I accidentally typed Godspell the first time) :) but my mental state is so strongly tied to my emotional state that I have a lot of trouble directing my thoughts in the right ways.
I'm a slow writer. It took me five minutes to write that sentence.
Satan (or just my sinful nature) has a lot of sway on my emotions. When I'm feeling good, on top of the world, and happy, my sin uses that to make me feel like I don't need God. When I'm in a morosely nostalgic mood, Satan uses that to sow liberal helpings of discontent into my soul: Why can't this summer be like that summer? Why can't I be like him? Why can't life be different?
Or condemnation: How could I have screwed up so badly? Will I ever be able to look him in the eye again? Have I completely ruined my chance at a life as apparently idlylic and glorifying of God as the life of that person over there who hasn't made any of the terrible life-scarring choices I have?
Usually, when I spend some time writing out my thoughts like this (it's been twelve minutes now), I wind up feeling better. But that's not usually because I've resolved the inner conflict. It's because my fickle emotions have decided to take a new turn. I will undoubtedly get up from this desk feeling much better, due to the emotional imbalance sliding to the other end of the spectrum, as it is wont to do.
This rollercoaster is precariously balanced, and easily sent down the track. The balance can be tipped by something as simple as being tired. Or being alone after a social setting. Or hearing a song that makes a connection with a different time in my life. That happens quite a bit. And then I'm reminded of something, anything, outside myself (either in time or space), and am once again crying for anyone but me, anytime but now, any place but this, any people but those around me, any sins but these.
I'm sure that it doesn't help to sit alone in my room engrossed in these narcissistic ruminations. But I don't know who would understand or be able to help. Maybe only God can.
This entry doesn't fit the conflict-resolution pattern into which I usually try to structure my thought life. But I really don't have anything more to say. I've been writing for thirty-five minutes.
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3 comments:
Whether anyone else can understand or not, GOD CAN! Make the most of that! Talking with others may help, but grab hold of prolonged times in prayer with Him. You're not doing nothing. Telling Him (and asking Him!) about it is the best thing you can do! If you believe your God to be powerful, you will also believe your prayers to be effective.
With prayers and respect.
Kevin, this isn't the whole answer (as you know, there usually isn't One Easy Answer to a genuine problem), but you may want to consider whether your physical condition might not be making things more difficult. If you have time, check this out:
http://www.radiantrecovery.com/chemistry.htm.
Love you!
"For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust."
"Cast your burdens on Jesus, for he cares for you"
"For we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are, yet without sin."
When you are "in the thick of it" God is with you. When you feel your emotions rise and fall like a roller-coaster, God is with you. The One who spoke Creation to be, whose steadfast love never changes, who will not cease to do good to you, who sympathizes with your weaknesses -- He is there. Our fluctuations, ups, downs, and moments of doubt should remind us that He never changes. He is described as a Rock. We are described as dust. But, we are His dust, and he cares for us.
When your emotions are speaking, try to verbalize what they are saying, and then evaluate their statements. Is it truth? If not, what is? Right thinking leads to right feeling, in many cases. All this must be done with dependence on God and asking for his help in the moment. Only then will you be able to rightly discern what is happening.
Just some thoughts from my times "in the thick of it".
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