So what was it like for me?

I’ve taken notes, I’ve reported events, and I’ve learned Biblical truth at this conference. So how was I affected? How did God work in my heart? How will I apply?

I came to New Attitude with an open mind, not wanting to second-guess God and what He might do. I’ve been to enough conferences with expectations for a mighty work that God might do in my heart, and somehow all of my expectations have turned into my trying to accomplish those mighty works myself. That makes a conference much less than satisfying. If I try to predict God, or do His will for him, I think I’m actually hindering His will more than anything else.

With that in mind, I prayed in the couple days leading to the conference that God would help me not to come with expectations or predictions of how He’d work. I think God blessed that prayer. But what it led to was me “relaxing” my mind during worship and the messages, and not fighting for comprehension and understanding. Yes, I took notes, and I’m glad I did because I’ll need to be going through them a lot to benefit from the good that I missed most of in the sessions.

And yet, God showed grace even in my laziness, as He saw fit to increase my knowledge. I learned more in my family group, in the sessions, and in my interactions with friends. My mind was fed, but my heart was unaffected.

Halfway through the conference, at the beginning of the Monday morning session, God graciously convicted me that this was a problem. Everyone around me was engaging with the truth we were singing, and my heart was as cold as stone. What’s more, God showed me that this had been a pattern – not just at Na, but for quite a long while. I realized that I didn’t want to have this cold heart and be distant from the worship time. I wanted to be affected. I wanted to be moved! I was seeing everyone around me responding emotionally to God in worship, and I was standing there as unemotional as I can be.

I stepped out and spent some time talking with my faithful friend, Sean. With prayer and his counsel, a few things became apparent. God didn’t want me looking for a quick fix. I had sown months of indifference to Him during unexciting times, and now that there was an exciting conference I was realizing my need for Him, but I didn’t have a recent history of pursuing Him. Another thing God showed me was one of my idols that I needed to set aside. The idol was knowing what’s ahead. Knowing what’s going to happen and having it planned out. God has been placing me in situations recently where I can’t have that, and I can’t know the future, and I haven’t been taking it well. Even wanting to plan how I would be affected at this conference is an evidence of that.

A final thing God showed me during my talk with Sean was the absence of Christian friends in my life. I’d spent a lot of the year hanging out with my friends at college, and while I love them, and I hadn’t lost my faith, my faith had sort of stagnated. I had no accountability. I had no real friends.

Sean and I talked about plans for change, prayed, and I was encouraged. I’d missed most of Eric’s message at that point, which is why I have no notes for that message. (I’m listening through it now, thanks to the free message downloads!)

The Monday afternoon session passed uneventfully. Before and after the session I got thirty people to sign up for Boundless, a Christian webzine, in order to earn a T-shirt. I didn’t have another encounter with God until that evening.

I was sitting with Sean and his friends before the evening session, and my discouragement was back, pressing heavily on me. I asked Sean to pray for me that God would open my heart and show me Himself. Worship started, but after a song or two I sat down. I didn’t want to sing. I was so focused on myself and my shortcomings, and I wanted to sulk.

A couple songs in, everyone started singing “Holy, Holy, Holy.” God granted me a little lightbulb moment right there. I gradually became a little bit more aware of how eternally, uncompromisingly holy and perfect God was. And, as He flooded my heart with his Spirit’s knowledge, I became more and more aware of how pathetically unworthy I was to be in His presence. I started to cry for the first time in a long time, and I didn’t stop.

Somehow, through no pursuit of God on my own and only through His merciful grace, I became overwhelmed with my insignificance and my failures. I was overwhelmed by what a sinner I was. I was overwhelmed by how unspeakably great and unapproachable God was.

Then everyone started singing “Jesus, Thank You,” and God used the words of the song to turn me back to the Cross. This time He flooded me with peace as I saw that Jesus was the only reason I could come to God. Jesus was the reason my enormous debt of sin had been nullified. Jesus was the truest Friend I would ever have, and God was my Father. I don’t think I’ve ever had a personal sense of God as Father before.

God showed me my sin in doubting Him and thinking He wouldn’t reveal Himself to me. He showed me my sin in trying to make it happen myself. He showed me that He is the only one who can make me love Him, and by his mercy, He did make me love him.

After worship ended, and I’d stopped crying, I listened to one of the most application-rich messages I’ve ever heard. Now I’m home, and I’m trying to take it back. Here’s something I’ve learned: Being all spiritually charged up from the conference isn’t the right way to fight sin. That’s not biblical. Am I resisting this sin because I’m basking in the glow from the conference, or because I treasure Jesus Christ?

More posts forthcoming as I continue to apply.