My way AND the highway

Sometimes I think God is really helping me grow in patience and not responding in anger or frustration when provoked. I'm sure He is. But sometimes when I am in a frustrating situation and respond without annoyance or anger, I find it so easy to discount the Spirit's work and assume that whatever I wanted but was okay with not getting, just wasn't as important to me as I thought.

Is there room to assume both things are true? Maybe. I know that God is changing me into His image, and giving me so much more love for other people and teaching me not to be so attached to my own agenda. I guess the way I expected to grow was that when I'm really upset about not getting my own way, I can just lay all that aside and not have an attitude. But now I am starting to think that the battle may be won or lost before an irritation even happens. It's really a lot more about my overall perspective than I thought.

Two examples. Last week, on the way down to Silver Spring with my mom, when she was dropping me and Tim and Ned off at a meeting place with our ride up to GCC, I wanted to drive. My mom said no, and I was a brat about it. (I had a bad attitude, Emma. Bad, bad.) Later she let me drive, but to my shame it wasn't because I humbled myself and corrected my attitude; she simply didn't want to fight over it.

What happened there? God did give grace soon afterwards, and I repented, but up until then I was clearly set on getting my own way. It was the most important thing to me at that time. Despite my asking respectfully and politely at first, I had had the wrong attitude about wanting to drive even before Mom had said no! My first humble request wasn't out of a spirit of humility; it was simply a pragmatic measure to increase the likelihood that I'd get what I wanted.

Recently, in percussion class, Mr. Heid introduced us to the vibraphone and marimba. I was fascinated and wanted to learn to play them. The instruments are locked in the percussion room when not in use, because they are very expensive, so I emailed Mr. Heid (the room is his domain) and asked him for permission to practice marimba and vibraphone outside of class. He gave me permission and told me I could ask Mrs. Arnold or a percussion major to let me into the room.

So today I asked one of the percussion majors if she could let me in the room to practice, explaining that Mr. Heid had given me permission to use the instruments. Either she is of a naturally unpleasant temperament, or she was having a bad day. She refused to let me into the room, explaining with a certain contempt that only percussion majors (such as herself) were allowed access. After I explained, not for the first time, that I had permission from Mr. Heid, she amended that she couldn't be responsible if I broke anything.

I was gracious and said "I understand; that's fine." She faltered a "sorry" after my gentle response, so I walked away hoping that a soft answer had turned away wrath. I went in search of Mrs. Arnold, who let me into the room. I slowly and carefully uncovered the marimba (not Mr. Heid's, but the lesser one), located the correct mallets, and had scarcely struck five notes on the bars when the same girl walked into the room and announced that she needed to practice and I would have to leave.

So I'd hoped that she was only refusing because she didn't want to be responsible, but it turned out she just really didn't want me in there. She had followed me when I went looking for Mrs. Arnold. So I covered up the marimba, put the mallets away, and left.

Obviously I couldn't argue or have a bad attitude, since she is a major and has priority access to the room. But I was surprised, while walking away, at how calm I was inside about it. I thought there was going to be a big inner struggle with anger, from which the Spirit would finally deliver me. Since this didn't happen, my conclusion was just that practicing marimba wasn't as important to me as I thought. But now I don't think so. It certainly was very important to me - but it seems God had already been at work, and in this case, the battle was already won before I had even asked this girl to let me into the room.

So what does this all mean? I think the time to ask God for grace to lay aside my own agenda isn't in the heat of the moment (although He delights to give grace then, too, when I call out to Him). But I believe He also gives grace before the temptation comes. I'm not sure it would be wise for me to only ask Him for grace when I'm being tempted; He wants more than that. God wants me to be aware of my own fallibility and His all-sufficiency, and ask Him for help when it isn't even my time of need. Only He knows when the testing will come.

::Edit, later:: No, I'm not jumping to conclusions about her motive to use the room. She was only in there for a short time, and when she left she took all the marimba mallets with her, which isn't allowed. For some reason, she does not want me playing that marimba!